Dean Z Facebook Stalked Beauty Pageant Winners to Fill 1L Class

art by: In-House Clownsel

By Ipse Dixit

ANN ARBOR – In her annual roundup email to the Michigan Law community, Dean Z highlighted features of the 2025 class. High LSATs, high GPAs, but most importantly: many, many pageant winners. ⁣

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“Uglies are not a protected class. We are equal opportunity, but only for hotties,” the Dean relayed. ⁣

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Ipse asked her if her focus on beauty pageant winners was sparked by past class experiences. ⁣

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“If the class of ‘24 taught me anything, it’s that we have too many people here who should have accepted their UChicago offer. With the class of ‘25, we had to up the ante: focus on the beautiful people of the world.”⁣

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Other members of the admissions committee were quick to support the new recruiting decisions.⁣

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“Look, we needed to start recruiting people who moisturize. Have you seen the winters here? You can’t even tell the difference between the snow and the skin flakes,” said one member.⁣

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“Totally,” agreed another. “These new admits are going to drastically improve the quality of student life here. I couldn’t claim Mr. Wolverine tickets on my taxes, but buying them sure felt like charity work.”⁣

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Turning to a legal perspective, the team added: “SCOTUS is about to strike down affirmative action. Other schools might need to start taking our approach to admissions.”⁣

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The admissions team concluded: “Judge not a man by the color of his skin but by the shape of his eyebrows.”⁣

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The administration’s new direction coincides with rumors within US News of a radical revamp to ranking metrics that are projected to actually reflect the student experience